Have you ever had one of those situations where you know you really need to be the objective one, the one that provides the stable, sensible advice looking at the problem from all angles but you just cant?
I am in the middle of one of them at the moment. Ironically I am not only sturggling with the issue but with writing abut it!
You may ask why on earth I am trying to wirte about it then, well sometimes writing helps me sort it out in my head and I feel like sharing. Mostly my difficulties in writing this one is fully discussing the issue without sharing too much personal information and without offending anyone (I hate offending people).
The other reason I want to write about it here is that the way I would have delt with this pre-Matilda is very different to the way I am (or am not as the case may be) dealing with it now. It is because I am a mum that I am having such trouble separating myself from the problem.
So the thing is that we have had a falling out with a family member on my husband's side. Sadly we are really not sure what the falling out is all about but suffice to say it has meant a long period of silence between us and them.
Now pre-Matilda I would have quite easily separated myself from the issue, discussed it with my husband and gave him some gentle advice. But now... Well I just can't.
You see, we are big enough to look after ourselves. We can make decisions and see the behaviour of the other person for what it is, but Matilda can't. We can understand the complexities of the issues, but Matilda can't.
And it's my job to protect her. It's my job to teach her right from wrong. It's my job to keep the real world out for as long as possible. Right?
So how do I objectively look at the issue and help my husband through this without compromising on the things we want to teach Matilda?
I even feel differently about being treated this way now. Previously I would have been a little annoyed and probably insulted at this behaviour but I would have easily dismissed it and encouraged reconciliation for the sake of family.
This time I am hurt. I am hurt for my husband, I am hurt for Matilda and I am hurt. I am also angry. I feel like we are being treated badly and that the compromise we would need to make to fix this would be a significant one, particularly in light of our parenting responsibilities.
I no longer feel like I can look at the issues objectively. I can no longer be understanding of the personal issues, I can no longer brush off the bad behaviour. I want to teach Matilda the importance of respect and in this case I feel we are getting none.
However, I also want Matilda to be empathic. I want her to be understanding and to know when there is a difference between bad behaviour and personal circumstance. I want her to be able to forgive and I want her to know her family.
How do I teach her patience when I have run out? How do I teach her understanding when I am struggling and how on earth do I teach her the difference between understanding and reasonable compromise and it being a doormat?
So what do I do?
Do I compromise and facilitate a reconciliation or do I stay quiet and let this silly stand off continue? How do I stop feeling so angry about this? And do I want to? And how on earth can I support my husband through all of this?
Sadly I don't have an answer.
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